Healing through Integration

Separation from Self

When we are hurt, we want the pain to stop. Often, and below our level of awareness, we have locked away the pain we feel from the times we were hurt the most. But this pain is still there.

We do many things to keep it at bay.

We stay busy.

We find ways to cope and medicate ourselves, sometimes forming addictions.

We focus on taking care of others.

We judge and criticize ourselves and others in an attempt to achieve perfection.

The list goes on, but in all these attempts to distract ourselves from the pain, we are increasing the separation from important aspects of who we are, and we are blocking our access to our true nature.

We have lost touch with who we truly are.

The good news? It’s still there. It always was, and it always will be. And when we find it, the connection we feel is above and beyond external validation can give us. It’s solid. It’s steady. It’s true.

When we reconnect to our self, we find a peaceful, compassionate, wise, spiritual core that is truly us, where our authenticity lies.

This is the place where we discover that we are not broken or defective like we previously believed. This is where we find help to be here in the present, open to whatever happens next. When we connect to this resource inside our self, we become free. We become more able to respond spontaneously to what is happening in the moment more genuinely, rather than the “way we always did” when we were separated.

When we are reconnected to ourselves, we don’t worry so much about fitting in, about what other people think, about whether we are “doing it right.” When we are reconnected, we become more free to relax, play again, and enjoy a real connection with others. We become able to simply know that we belong here in the world and that we are worthy. That not only is our life a gift, but that we are a gift to others.

When we are reconnected, we stop fearing the pain so much because we have learned to listen to it and have gotten to know it. We realize, through experience, that being with the pain helps calm it. So, we learn to stop pushing it away. Our pain, when met with compassion, can become a gateway to a better life, more real, more true, more respectful of ourselves and others. Ultimately, we find that we are not alone. We are a part of something bigger, and it is beautiful.

Much suffering in life comes from disconnection from our self.

Not that suffering ever goes away, but suffering is worse, unproductive, when we are disconnected. When we are separated, we go on autopilot. Because we aren’t connected to the wisdom and truth that we already possess, we must respond systematically, according to the ways we learned to protect ourselves.

Ultimately operating from a place of fear, these automatic responses are usually painful. Some of them are filled with intense emotions we hate to feel but can’t seem to stop. They keep us from seeing the truth of situations and from hearing what others are really saying. With their anger or fear or guilt or shame, our automatic responses can make us feel alone, and they sometimes cause us to push others away.

We feel intensely lonely.

With all the attempts to separate from the pain, we separate from the true joys of life itself. We limit the range of emotions we feel. We may become centered on anxiety or depression as the pain inside us is screaming for our attention. But we don’t want to look.

We may experience physical pain – headaches, backaches, stiffness in the neck and shoulders, stomach aches… If we turn to food, alcohol, or drugs to numb the pain, we may experience poor health consequences. If we pour ourselves into work, video games, television, sex, shopping… our relationships, our finances, our entire lives unravel.

Eventually, we find we can’t keep our life together. This separation from our self is tearing our life apart.

Take finances, for example.

We often think emotions have no place in financial decisions and that we need to be purely logical. The only problem is that we have tremendous emotions about money.

We grow up learning to believe and behave in certain ways around money because it’s what we learned from our mom and dad, our grandpa, our pastor, or our friends. Those beliefs and emotions are always operating (under the radar) when we attempt to make logical decisions about money.

And when those beliefs and emotions we carry get challenged, we can feel very threatened. And when we feel threatened, we lose access to our logical brain and can’t use it anyway! But that’s not the only problem with trying to be purely logical.

Our emotions are a major source of information!

Are you someone who listens to your gut? Are you guided to make decisions based on how you think you will feel in the future or because you remember how it felt in the past? These are not bad practices. They are essential. And they can also be problematic when they are the only way we make decisions.

When we cut off from our emotions and intuition, we disconnect from an enormously important, set of information. When we are connected, we can use all of this information from our emotions and our bodies in conjunction with our logic to make fully informed financial decisions.

Money cannot be separated from life, well-being, or our emotional lives.

When the beliefs we hold around money are rigid, they can limit our options and lead us into poor financial health.

When we have been hurt around money, we may carry unresolved pain that influences our decisions and our relationships with others when money is involved.

When we’ve suffered trauma, even if money wasn’t involved, it can mean managing our finances in ways that put soothing our pain over sound decision making.

Most of the big things that happen in life involve money, and these are emotional transitions.

Going to college means someone is spending money or taking on debt.

Getting married means deciding how to manage finances in a shared household.

Getting a promotion or losing a job could mean a significant change in income.

Retirement often means shifting gears from saving to spending.

Getting divorced is often costly as it divides assets, and incomes are no longer shared.

Death can mean a loss of income for a surviving spouse or a life-changing inheritance for a relative.

Overcoming financial obstacles and achieving financial well-being in your life…

…requires integration of logic, emotions, and intuition when it comes to money. It’s a matter of knowing where your money is going not just with your head, but with your heart and your gut as well.

It requires awareness of how you FEEL as you think about your every expenditure (even on that latté).

It’s about looking at the financial implications of continuing to give your 45-year-old daughter money and the incredible guilt and fear you feel at the thought of stopping.

It’s about seeing in the numbers that you have more than enough money to retire and examining the fear that keeps you working.

And most importantly, it’s about including the tremendous amount of information and wisdom your nervous system is trying to give you but gets cut off when you only value the logic of your thinking mind.

Call today to begin your journey of financial integration: (605) 215-0550.

Getting reconnected to and learning to live from this resource inside yourself is the key to integrating all aspects of who you are…

…so that you can live a fuller life. It is the main purpose of our work together in therapy, and most of the writing on this website is dedicated to this concept.

I invite you to explore and call me when you are ready to find yourself. (605) 215-0550.

Separation from Others

Relationships matter. But often we are told to be strong, independent, self-sufficient, successful. And when we focus so much on those things, our relationships suffer. Because none of those things lead to relationships that flourish. They are relationship killers.

So often, our disconnection from ourself drives our disconnection from others. When we are disconnected, our autopilot parts take over, and these well-intending parts of ourself generally have some pretty outdated strategies about how to get the connection with others they are really craving. Conflict escalates and we end up feeling alone, distraught, discouraged, and abandoned, which is the last things these parts of our self ever wanted. It’s their biggest fear.

Over time, we find ourselves trapped in a predictable pattern of love- and life-sucking engagement (or disengagement) run by our autopilot parts. And we don’t know how to get out of it.

Learning some new ways to communicate is important and necessary. And those skills alone won’t completely resolve the problem. Because what matters most isn’t that you said it perfectly. What matters is what’s in your heart, behind the words. Speaking from your own connection to yourself.

Connection with others requires vulnerability, allowing ourselves to be seen, willingness to see the other person, trusting, prioritizing the health of the relationship while still honoring both people, letting go of control and being right, taking accountability for our contribution to the pain, collaboration, respect. For some of us it means speaking. For others it means taking more time to listen. It’s scary. It requires intention. It takes work.

When we reconnect to ourselves and learn some new strategies for fostering connection with others, our relationships can flourish, although not in the way we may have originally believed. We don’t find our partner to be the everything-we-ever-dreamed-of savior of our life. Instead we found ourself showing up imperfectly with another imperfect human, falling down and helping each other back up, over and over, in a real relationship that can evolve more deeply over time.

Contact me now to start your integrative journey together: (605) 215-0550.

Separation from Nature

We come from nature, so our separation from it can amplify anxiety, depression, and stress. Our reconnection to it can bring healing, relaxation, and joy.

A weekend in nature has a completely different effect than a weekend relaxing at home.

Imagine sitting in a canoe on a small pristine lake surrounded by trees in absolute stillness. The only sound you hear is the trickle of the water falling off the blade as you paddle forward. The stillness penetrates your soul. You feel a deep peace that you don’t feel back home in your busy life.

Taking in a deep breath, you relish the earthy aroma of the woods. The sunlight sparkles on the dark, glassy water and warms your face. A loon calls, and its beauty is striking. You realize the absolute perfection of this world. It fills your heart with joy as you take in the magnificence of this moment.

Then the wind picks up. Clouds roll in. A raindrop hits your cheek.

Then another. The water loses its glassy surface and becomes covered with polka-dots of tiny rippling waves. You scramble to open your dry bag to retrieve your rain jacket. Your canoe mate does the same, and your movement rocks the canoe. Your stomach tightens, and a wave of irritation arises to cover up the seed of fear sprouting inside. You think to yourself, “I wish he would stop rocking the canoe.”

You get your raincoat on just in time. It’s pouring now. The wind and rain make it difficult to read the map, but you identify the direction you must head to find the trail that gets you off the lake. “Paddle!” your partner hollers at you, and the irritation grows. “Why is he so bossy?”

Together you paddle forward. The wind has picked up, creating waves in the lake. It’s blowing right in your face. You paddle as hard as you can, using your entire body. The canoe is hardly moving forward.

“Can’t you paddle any harder? Are you even trying?” he yells at you.

“I’m doing the best I can! Why do you have to be such a jerk?” you scream back.

The waves are so high they are threatening to tip your canoe. This is serious. You focus on paddling as hard as you can, despite the burning muscle fatigue in your arms and shoulders. “I’ll deal with the way he is treating me later,” you promise yourself. The two of you paddle against the wind and waves for what seems like an eternity and finally reach the shore.

Your gear and boat safely out of the water, you seek shelter under the trees and breathe a sigh of relief. The adrenaline in your body dissipates. So does the irritation. If you were on this trip alone, you both would pretend this argument didn’t happen – as you always do at home without even noticing that’s what is happening.

But this is a therapeutic trip, and your guide makes this an opportunity to process what just happened – share how each of you felt and why – relate all of this to your relationship patterns at home in your daily life – discuss what you wish had happened instead and to learn new ways to communicate under stress.

Nature challenges us and allows us to see how we solve problems and relate to ourselves and others.

In nature, time slows down. It’s where we can become present with where we are and what is happening right now. It’s where we can move and breathe. It’s where we can become playful. It is easier to talk, to relax. We connect on a different level. We are free.

It brings us closer to God. It calms our soul. It heals our spirit.

It is both beautiful and threatening. It is our teacher.

Nature treats us all the same. It doesn’t play favorites. It doesn’t discriminate.

It has a way of showing us who we are.

It shows us that we are loved – we are part of a beautiful grand creation – we are safe. It shows us that we are powerful yet vulnerable. It shows us where we still have work to do.

It creates scenarios tailor-made for each of us to see and feel how we aren’t yet living the life we want to live – we lack confidence, how we feel abandoned, where we feel fed up, and how we try to hide.

It lovingly gives us a chance to grow in these areas. It rewards us with the sweet smell of the pine forest, the warming sunshine on our back, the delicate beauty of a wildflower, the awesome view across expansive rolling green hills, and the experience of connection and peace.

We don’t have to go far into the woods to experience the therapeutic benefits of nature.

We create experiences in a therapy office, but in nature, they happen… well, naturally! As the therapist, I take part in what nature presents as well… and interact more as a guide. It changes the way we work together.

City parks and tree-lined neighborhoods bring a completely different feel from the office.

This change of scenery may be exactly what your soul is calling for – relieve stress, soothe anxiety, challenge depression, gain a new perspective, experience awe, wonder, and contemplate why you are here and what your life means.

Call today to set up your walk-and-talk outdoor session or to learn more about other nature-based options! (605) 215-0550.