Couples Therapy
“We are worth saving!”
The relationship is worth saving.
Things haven’t been good between us for a while. You hardly see her anymore with her long hours at work, and when you do, she seems distant and edgy.
Sex life has dwindled to zero, and you often hear her crying in the bathtub and wondering, “How could this be happening to us? It’s become obvious we aren’t on the same page.
We bring our woundedness into our relationships, and eventually it manifests as conflict or gradual growing apart. The problems can show up in many ways.
An evening out for dinner and a few drinks used to be fun, but now he drinks at home every night. When you even mention it, his anger erupts, and he denies there’s a problem. You are tired of feeling responsible for keeping your relationship together.
Since the wedding, everything changed.
When you two were dating, you were so in love, thinking you would be a team.
Instead, it’s as if you are leading separate lives, making you wonder if she only wants a live-in landscaper. She doesn’t understand what’s wrong and feels smothered by you.
Then come the teenage years with your kids, which create stress and make you scared. You disagree on how to solve problems. She believes it’s a phase, but you see your child’s future destruction in the making. What you want is help with fighting this battle.
You discovered that she’s been texting someone else – a lot. She promises there was “nothing sexual” that happened, but you feel devastated. Now, you wonder if things can ever be the same again.
“Why can’t we ever resolve anything?”
It’s the same fight repeatedly. You’ve learned exactly what to do and say to hurt each other, and you play out your own special brand of misery. Maybe you are both fighters. You’d rather not have the blow-ups, but something takes you over. Suddenly, you are nose to nose, screaming at each other. At times, it gets scary.
Perhaps one wants the relationship to work, wondering how the other can walk away. “Doesn’t he care? How can he act as if nothing happened?” Your partner, however, wants space, thinking, “Why does she always want to fight? Can’t she see this is going nowhere?”
Then there’s the silence and the walking on eggshells. He knows something is bothering her by the way you move through the house, by the way you close cabinet doors, or by the way you throw down the laundry basket. When he asks, “What’s wrong?” and she answers, “Nothing.” It’s not “nothing.” He knows that before too long, something will set her off. He wishes she would tell him what he did wrong.
Even if you think to yourself, “I cannot spend another day in this marriage. It hurts so much.” Deep down, you know there’s something worth fighting for here. Continuous problems can feel unresolvable, or the feeling that you can’t give any more can make you want to run away from the relationship. For the kids’ sake, you want to stay, and that’s ok. Maybe it really is over, but I want to help you make that decision from a neutral perspective.
Here’s what to expect in couples therapy.
First, I will want to understand why you are here and what you want to get out of couples therapy. I’ll hear each of your perspectives until you believe I get it. Then we will spend considerable time dissecting your conflict, identifying the specific patterns you repeatedly get into, and what each of you is bringing to the situation. We will identify the areas where you struggle most in your relationship, be it your friendship, broken trust, or the way you communicate.
Next, we will draw on established couples therapy approaches, such as the Gottman Method and Relational Life Therapy, to provide a lens and a framework for viewing and working on your relationship. You’ll have many opportunities to practice new skills and have more effective conversations about topics you’ve felt stuck on for years.
Then we will dig deeper to help you gain a better understanding. Having skills is important and necessary, but they tend to fall flat when our hearts are still shrouded in armor or continue to bleed uncontrollably. A deeper level of healing may be needed. Your relationship with each other begins with your relationship with yourself.
Through our work together, you’ll each be offered an opportunity to see how what’s happening inside of you impacts what’s happening in the relationship. I use a “parts work” approach informed by Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help you build compassion and a deeper love for yourself and for each other.
Come together, rather than keep pulling apart.
Relationships require work, and this is where couples therapy can offer support and help you find solutions.
I can help you begin to end the pain you are afraid you can’t carry any longer and put an end to the destruction of something you once found beautiful.
Contact me now for a free 25-minute consultation or to set your first appointment: (605) 215-0550.