Healing from Trauma and Abuse
The search for the REAL you…
“Why is life so hard?”
The house is a mess. The checking account is empty… again. And you have to take another sick day.
You’re smart, and you know it. But, life’s simple tasks seem too large to handle on most days. The energy isn’t there.
You could get a better job and earn more money if you could just finish your degree. All the loose ends… all the red tape… it’s just too much.
Getting any traction to move forward in your life is overwhelming. You’re just trying to get through each day and to stay alive. Sometimes you seriously wonder if life is really worth living.
“People think I am fine, but I’m not.”
It blows you away to hear people say you have it all together. Because you know you don’t. On the inside, you’re a wreck.
The anxiety is so relentless. You don’t even feel it anymore unless it’s to the extreme level. It’s there all the time. The thoughts about all the ways you’re not good enough never let up.
Somehow, you learned over time to hide all of that. And you’ve been successful. The anxiety and critical voices won’t allow failure, won’t allow you to slack off… to relax, to stop worrying.
And it’s paid off, right? How else could you be where you are today? You’re wondering, though, because working so hard is finally taking a serious toll on your relationships, your health, and your life…
… because what goes on inside your body and in your head is exhausting, painful, and starting not to be worth it. But how to make it stop? What you’ve known your entire life about what to do and how to be isn’t working anymore.
“People don’t get me.”
They don’t understand why things scare you. They don’t understand why you don’t want to break the rules a little or go to the party. They don’t understand why things bother you so much… why you get so upset.
They say you are too sensitive. And you believe them. Those comments reinforce the hunch that you’re weird, messed up, or broken. So, you stay quiet.
You are obedient, dependable, and always quietly helping others. But people don’t seem to notice. And they take advantage of you. They expect you to be there. You try to be easygoing, hiding your opinions about where to eat or what to do on Saturday. Stating your opinion isn’t worth the risk of being rejected or, worse, starting a fight. So, you keep your thoughts to yourself, and the loneliness grows and grows.
“I have nightmares and panic attacks.”
Not just bad dreams. Nightmares.
Sometimes you cry out or find yourself in some other part of the house. Your eyes may be wide open, and you swear you see something that isn’t really there.
Pounding heart… rapid breathing… panic. You have to escape. Something dreadful has happened or is about to.
Shouldn’t I have outgrown these by now?
Then… there are the panic attacks… for no good reason. You feel your sanity unraveling from the inside, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. The fear fills your body. Thoughts race.
I think something is really wrong with me. I don’t want to die. Why is my body doing this? What should I do?
After what seems like an eternity, it passes… and you’re left dreading the next one.
“I just don’t trust people.”
You’ve been hurt by people before. They are unpredictable. One minute you mean something to them, and the next, they are cold and distant.
Someone says they have it covered, but you double-check their work. Those times when you do trust, they let you down. And then you blame yourself. You should have known better.
People, especially confident ones, cannot be trusted. When someone says with confidence, “It’s going to be ok,” that’s a red flag. You have to see it, handle it, and depend only on yourself. It’s just safer that way.
“It’s true. Sometimes I get angry.”
Relationships keep failing, and you do not understand why. As far as you were concerned, everything was going great. You were considerate and caring, and they totally didn’t see that.
In fact, you’re often accused of the opposite! Friends and loved ones say you’re TOO logical. Why wouldn’t you be? Getting emotional about things never helps. The goal is to stay calm, keep the poker face, and, especially, not rock the boat. Nothing good ever happens when people get upset.
Sometimes, you get angry, but that’s because people are messing with you. They are disrespectful and critical, and they push you too far. Most of the time, you get quiet and retreat. But sometimes it’s too much, and the anger flares. Later, you realize you’ve gone overboard and could have handled it better. But in the moment, you feel powerless to stop it.
“But my childhood was great!”
My parents were wonderful. I had everything I needed and wanted. There is no reason I should struggle this much.
Sure, you might feel this way.
But you are struggling. You’ve worried about things for as long as you can remember, actually. There’s a niggling sense inside that something bad is going to happen.
Why is it there? There is no logical explanation. Life is good. You have what you need. You tell yourself you should be happy and carefree like normal people. You ask yourself…
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy??
What you remember about your childhood isn’t what’s important.
What matters if you’ve been hurt before – most likely by people who really mattered to you.
Trauma is an overwhelming thing that happened to us. Or it is an overwhelming environment we lived in for years, maybe even decades. We felt powerless to deal with it. We couldn’t run, shout, cry, stand up for ourselves in the way we would have liked. Maybe because we were so young and didn’t know how. Maybe because we were so overcome with horror around what was happening. And maybe because the way we were treated was so “normal,” it didn’t occur to us to respond in any other way.
We had to learn to respond in a way that protected us, which kept us from being hurt even more. Sometimes we had to forget what happened.
Trauma teaches us not to try, to be cautious, to get angry, to hide our feelings, to put other people’s needs above our own, to blame ourselves, to try to be perfect, and a whole slew of other thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that were our saving grace at one time and are ruining our lives today.
Healing from trauma and abuse is a long road…
But it’s absolutely possible and worth it.
Together, on your terms and at your pace, we will focus on the hurtful patterns that keep happening in your life because of a painful past.
As we work together, we will search for recurring problems in your life today. Situations that keep showing up again and again. As you share more and more pieces of your story, we will begin to see how things from the past are linked to what is happening in your life today. We will identify times you’ve been through something like this before.
We will focus on what your body is trying to tell you today with the uncomfortable sensations it gives you or when it doesn’t let you feel anything at all.
Just learning to focus on what you notice in your body might be difficult at first. It may be something you’ve learned to ignore. There might be sensations you’d rather not feel, or you might find it difficult to notice anything. This is all ok. Over time, you will start to become an expert at noticing the sensations in your body. Together, we will explore the valuable information these sensations are giving you. I don’t feel safe; I need to run; I want to cry; I am scared.
Together, we will make it safe to face the feelings you fight every day to avoid.
Feelings of guilt, shame, rage, terror, and loneliness are commonly found because of trauma. Likely you’re doing anything and everything you can to avoid feeling the intense emotions you’ve learned to lock away. A little at a time, and when you are ready, you’ll be welcomed to let these feelings come out. Layer by layer, going deeper and deeper, you’ll be amazed by the weight that can be lifted when you let yourself feel.
We will tackle the relentless things you say to yourself and discover that they are lies.
No doubt you tell yourself some pretty critical things. It’s to be expected. It’s what you learned from those who hurt you. It’s how you learned to make sense of the terrible things that happened.
You must have done something to deserve it. You must act and be a certain way today to avoid being hurt again.
The thing is, those things you tell yourself are lies. We will get them all out into the open.
As much as you’ll want to disagree with me, we will reveal the truth. That you’re not stupid, you aren’t worthless, it’s not your fault… the list will go on, and we will tackle it! We will find where these messages came from, and we will replace them with ones that honor and support who you really are.
Most of all, we will discover the person buried deep inside of you who can find the answers, who feels safe, who loves you, who misses you. She’s been hidden for a long time. When we find her, your life will change.
When you’ve had a chance to share your story and really see and feel the truth about what happened to you and how it impacted your life, when we get past the lies you tell yourself, and we work through the layers of painful emotions, the real you starts to show up more and more.
When she shows up, the situations that triggered all the awfulness of your painful past won’t bother you as much. When they do, they will pass more quickly. They won’t take you out for hours or days like they used to. Once your body has had a chance to release all it’s been carrying, you will start to feel light, grounded, calm, and safe. You will start knowing more and more that you are ok.
The nightmare your life has become can end.
This work won’t be easy, and it probably won’t be quick, but it will be worth it.
You have not been dealt a bad hand that you have to live with. This work is not about learning to cope. It is about healing, and it is absolutely possible.
I want to help you do this.
Contact me now for a free 15-minute consultation or to set your first appointment: (605) 215-0550.