Couples Therapy

“We are worth saving!”

Things hadn’t been good for a while.

Dan* notices that she seems distant and edgy nearly every night.

He hardly saw her anymore with the extra-long hours she was putting in at work.

Their sex life had dwindled to zero. That’s right: zero. He didn’t bring it up anymore.

He often heard her crying in the bathtub. He was really worried.

How could this be happening to them?

It was becoming obvious they weren’t on the same page.

Dan and Olivia* had dreamed of their retirement for years and had so many visions and plans for what they would do together. But now, Olivia isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to let go of work because he seems terrified of who he’ll become without it.

She was tired of waiting. Her loneliness was growing, and her hope was dissolving.

Dan has always felt so responsible: for her happiness, for their life together… for making sure they had enough money. He had to be careful.

Sure, they had exciting plans, but he had done nothing in his life but work. How could he just let it go?

We bring our woundedness into our relationships…

… and eventually that manifests as conflict or a gradual growing apart in the relationship. The problems can show up in many ways.

An evening out for dinner and a few drinks used to be a fun thing, but now he drinks at home every night. When she even mentions it, his anger erupts. He denies what’s going on. And she is tired of feeling responsible for making sure their life together doesn’t fall apart.

They were so in love when they were dating, and he couldn’t wait to marry her. After the wedding, everything changed. He thought they would be a team – deciding together, spending time together, merging their finances, splitting the household tasks. He was wrong. He feels like a stranger in their home. It’s as if they are leading separate lives. He wonders if the only reason she wants him is to have a live-in landscaper. She doesn’t understand where he is coming from. She feels smothered by his need for togetherness. She needs space and doesn’t understand why he is so upset.

Twenty years flew by in a flash. The kids are gone, and she looked forward to finally having time for just the two of them again. He was totally focused on his career. And she was into meditation and yoga and eating healthy. They realized they barely had anything in common anymore. Their attempts at conversations fell flat. It was clear; neither could think of anything to say. So, they sit silently side by side each night, mindlessly scrolling on their screens, feeling empty and alone.

They’ve hit the teenage years with their kids. It went ok with the first kid, but this second one is really challenging. The foul language, the sneaking out, grades slipping, and the infatuation with boys. You suspect she’s into your stash of booze, too. It would scare you both to death if you weren’t beyond frustrated with the disrespect. The stress is so high, and it’s ruining your relationship. Your ideas on how to solve the problem are completely different. She believes it’s just a phase, but he sees her future destruction in the making. He feels alone in this battle and would really like her support.

It’s exhausting. It’s lonely.

You’re both walking on eggshells. You’ve learned exactly what to do and say to hurt each other. You’d rather not have the blow-ups, but sometimes you can’t help it. Before you know, you are nose to nose screaming at each other. Sometimes it gets scary.

One of you always wants to work it out, and the other wants space. This difference in how you manage conflict drives each other crazy.

Why does she always want to fight? You’ve learned that if you try to walk away, she’ll get even crazier.

Why doesn’t he care? How can he act like nothing happened? Why isn’t this relationship important enough to stay and talk it out?

He knows something is bothering her. He can tell by the way she moves through the house, the way she closes the cabinet doors, the way she throws down the laundry basket, the shortness and tone of her voice when he asks, “What’s wrong?” and she answers, “Nothing.” It’s not “nothing.” He knows by now that before too long, something will set her off. He wishes she would tell him what he did wrong.

The little criticisms have been happening for so long that neither of you has any tolerance anymore. One little criticism feels like being hit with a sledgehammer or poked in a gaping wound that won’t heal. You think to yourself, “I cannot spend another day in this marriage. It hurts so much.”

You go to bed wishing for the closeness you used to have. The excitement, the sexual attraction, the feeling that all your wants and needs were met. Are those days gone for good? You hope not, and that’s why you’re seeking counseling. There’s something worth fighting for here, even if you hardly ever catch a glimpse of it. It may be so bad that your reason is “for the kids,” and that’s ok. Together, we will work to get to the truth around what’s hurting both of you right now. To give you both a chance to speak and be heard.